New York, New Mama
Back to work and back on the road again. How did that blissful 12 weeks of maternity leave fly by so quickly? The long days of feeding, snuggling, changing diapers, cruising the neighborhood, running errands, giving thousands of kisses and going on lunch dates with friends came to a screeching halt yesterday. I completely underestimated how hard it would be to drop off my sweet 12-week-old baby. The other babies seemed so big next to him and he seemed too tiny to spend his days without his mom. His teachers seem wonderful, but that didn’t help the huge lump in my throat and knot in my stomach as I waved goodbye and quickly left the building, fumbling through my overstuffed diaper bag to find my sunglasses to hide my tears. Loading the empty carseat back into my car caused my heart to shatter. I had a nice little cry on the way to work, aka back home. I think in the long run working from home will be an easier way to be a working mom, but yesterday it seemed so strange being “home” without Charles. I would have welcomed the opportunity to go into an office where I’d be surrounded by co-workers and quickly distracted by office chatter and back-to-back meetings.
For us, there was never any question on if I’d return to work (especially since I just started a new job 7+ months pregnant!). In the long run, I do think it’s the best decision for our marriage & family, but that certainly doesn’t make it any easier to leave this guy.
I remember a co-worker from my days at McKinney once saying, “I feel like I’m getting a “C” at home and at work. I’m not able to give either 100% like I’ve always done.” I’ll never stop trying to do my best work on both fronts, but I am going to give myself some grace to ease back in and figure out our new normal. I’ve quickly learned “babies don’t keep.” This time is too precious & fleeting to miss out on, so I’m going to have to be smarter than ever in prioritizing trips away from home. I have lots of fabulous working mom role models in my life, starting with my own mom. I can do this. I can do this.
This morning as my alarm went off at 4:45 a.m. my first thought was I secretly hoped Charles would stir. Sure enough, a little after 5 a.m. I heard him fussing a bit. I’ve never been so happy to see him hungry before daylight! Josh went in and scooped him up and brought him back to our bed to give him a bottle. I was so happy to be able to give him a few kisses before racing to the airport. And so happy for such a wonderful husband whom I know is going to take excellent care of our baby while I’m away.
Be kind to me, New York.